What the fuck is IU EAP there for, to push people over the edge? If I wasn't in need of a shrink before I called them, I certainly was by the time I got pushed off the line by the answering service. I'd hate to see what would happen if a truly desperate person tried to get in touch with them. The brochure very clearly says 24/7 365 day a year. If they're not going to commit to that up front, they should give me back the money they're taking out of my paycheck.

Them: IUEAPthisisShanemayIhelpyou?

Me: Uh, yeah, I was calling to see if I could get a referral to a local therapist?

Them: You'recallingIUEAP?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Them: Thistheiransweringservicethey'reonlyavailablefromeighttofivedoyouwanttoleaveamessage?

Me: Uh, yeah, I guess.

Them: Whatisthisabout?

Me: Uhhhhh, I don't know? I mean, I need to get a referral so I can talk to a local therapist?

Them: Doyouwanttomakeanappointment?

Me: Yes.

Them: Name?

Me: Susan

Them: Lastname?

Me: Johnson

Them: You'recallingIUEAP?

Me: Yeah.

Them: Phonenumber?

Me: 855--

Them: Wherecanyoubereachednow?

Me: Oh, you mean my home phone number, right now, not tomorrow during the day? 812-3--

Them: Isthisanemergencyifit'snotanemergencyyou'llhavetocallback.

Me: I'm sorry?

Them: Ifthisisn'tanemergencyyou'llhavetocallback.

Me: Uh, okay.

So...if it was an emergency, how is that kind of conversation even going to help anyone? One thing I do know, you don't talk to a twitchy person at a million-miles-a-minute pace. And you could at least get your story straight. Well, fuck them. And fire Shane.