Tuesday, December 11, 2001

This didn't update the last time.

Thursday, December 06, 2001

Went to New York on Thursday. Got up hyper early and got to the airport two hours ahead of our flight. Good thing we did, because our flight was canceled, but we were there early enough to catch a 8:30 flight. Got into New York around 11:00, grey and raining. Took a crowded van ride from La Guardia through the tunnel at Queens to Manhattan. We stayed with a Kinsey patron. He took us around to the galleries in the Chelsea area after lunch at East of Eighth. I wasn't feeling very good and thought I might faint. After he left to go back to his home in Long Beach, Catherine and I did some shopping at Whole Foods, went back to East of Eighth for a drink and dinner, then went to see the Harry Potter movie.

Friday we got up early, did a lot of walking. Took the subway to the MoMA, decided to skip it and went to the American Craft Museum instead. Then we walked around, went to Rockefeller Center to see the tree and skating, saw the GE building, St. Patrick's, St. Bartholomew's, the Waldorf-Astoria, the Chrysler building, and various other buidings. Took a walk in Central Park, had a pizza at the wild animal place, watched some skating at Wolman Rink, then walked up to go to Strawberry Fields. Media circus. Walked around the Dakota. Went back to the Chelsea area, had dinner across the street from Madison Square Garden.

Took Catherine's slides up to Houston street, walked around before going to the gallery. Sat through the gallery panel. Very rude people, very hot and stuffy. Nice to see Bronwyn. We went out to drinks with Bronwyn and two of her friends after the panel talk.

Saturday we went down to see the Woolworth Building, and went to Ground Zero. Don't feel like writing about it.

After that, we met our hosts and went up to 91st street for lunch. Then to the Guggenheim, which was disgustingly painted black. Dinner at a nice Chelsea Japanese restaurant.

Up early, took a very expensive car ride back to La Guardia. Noticed how close Flushing Meadows is to the airport.

Addendum, 6 months later:

I still don't feel like talking about visiting Ground Zero. I keep holding it close to my chest, for the past six months, I've only taken it out when I've been by myself, usually in the car on the way up to Indy for hockey practice. I keep thinking that if I just let enough time pass, I can tell someone what happened while I was standing there, but I just can't. I haven't even talked to Catherine about it, except for about 15 seconds soon afterward. I wanted to talk to Linda about it, but couldn't bear to even start.

Here's the thing. I never break down in public. Never. I can hold it together better than anyone I know. And I didn't break down in New York, either. I do, however, cry about the whole thing every time I go to Indy, sometime after the 45-50 minute mark in the drive, when I'm by myself and no one can touch me and no one can see me and no one will hear me. It's not like I'm hoarding this pain during the week, or that it's on my mind all the time. It's just that given enough time and privacy, things eventually work themselves to the surface.

Anyway, standing there, well, kneeling because I was right at the barrier and there were people behind me and I didn't want anyone to push against me to see around me, that's probably the closest I've ever come to breaking up with people around me. And it wasn't crying breaking up, it was worse. If I had let go at all, I would have been screaming, because that was what was going on in my head. Every time the wrecking machine knocked down another chunk, I just wanted to scream, tell them to stop it, they can't do that, all those papers flying in the air belong to somebody, they have to stop, they could be smashing a body, they have to stop, they have to stop. It was like...boom and I needed to scream. It was deafening inside my head, and I was terrified I was going to have to actually scream, and....just how fucking stupid is that?

Catherine had a completely different reaction to everything, she cried almost immediately, for different reasons, I think. At least, there was nothing familiar in what she was saying to me as I was trying to comfort her. And I want to know where are the people who experienced the same thing I did, the ones who were right on the brink of insanity?

I don't want to share this with anyone. I don't want anyone to devalue my experience, either claim they know how I must have been feeling, or suggest that maybe I was over-reacting. Because I have never felt anything like that in my entire life--I don't go insane over nothing, and I've never screamed in my entire life. And I don't know how to explain how the thud of the wrecking ball ricocheted off my breast bone and forced its way up my throat. I'm glad I didn't scream, but if I had stood there for even 10 more seconds, I'm afraid I wouldn't have been able to stop myself.

Sunday, November 25, 2001

Spent Thanksgiving with the Kuebler family--Beth, Mike, David (Mike's brother), Mike's mom, Beth's parents George and Phoebe, Beth's uncle Bob and partner Jeff, Beth's sister Sarah, and some other people from around the neighborhood. Cute kids from down the street. Drove up Thanksgiving morning, got there really early due to the time change. Beth and Mike got there an hour or so later. Dinner was late because of a mashed potato crisis, but the food was good. Felt good because I didn't over eat (might help that I don't like antipasta!). Watched some skating with Jeff and Bob. Jeff was pretty funny all weekend.

We slept in on Friday a bit, then drove back home after noon. Took the "back way" home through Spencer, a nice drive. Got home in time to go to the women's basketball game in the evening. We lost to NC State (ranked 10), which was harsh, but probably expected.

Laid around very lazily yesterday, watched our football team (finally) win the Old Oaken Bucket. It's about time. Went to the gym, had a good workout.

Haven't had a Coke since November 6.

Sunday, November 11, 2001

Feeling stressed--too many commitments, doing too many things I'd rather not do at the expense of things I'd rather do. Must sort it out.

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

Had dinner at Gratzi with Sigrid this weekend. I like that girl.

Might get to teach at Ivy Tech, we'll see.

Lots of PT on my wrist. Having a hard time sleeping in the hard brace.

Saturday, October 27, 2001

[erasure]. Went on a small cleaning jag yesterday and tidied the house a little. Catherine really kicked in and cleaned a lot today, and it helps. I was feeling completely oppresed by the clutter and darkness.

Spent yesterday morning working on drawings. I don't know how I managed to not save my masonry drawing, but I had it all done and then it was just gone. That was so unlike me. I am a little worried that I haven't been keeping up with the work in the class. Math is going okay, but getting harder. I think I can still get an A, though.

Heard from Mary J. this week, such a surprise. Mary T., now. I would love to see her in person.

Wednesday, October 24, 2001

Supposed to get a lot of bad weather this afternoon. Went to the doctor yesterday about my wrist, she says it may be broken. Feels very tight and rotational movement hurts it. It seems like it has been this way for weeks, I can't remember exactly when I might have broken it.

Monday, October 22, 2001

The hockey part of the weekend was awful. Both our teams got blown away, and I had a particularly frustrating weekend of sitting on the bench. So, I don't even want to think about that. We did some fun stuff outside the rink (although it probably wasn't so fun for Catherine since I was pissed off 1/2 the time).

The drive to Cincinnati was pretty straightforward. We headed out late in the afternoon, listened to Harry Potter on the way there. The hotel was really nice (except we got stuck in a smoking room even though I asked for non-smoking). Very smooth room designed for business travelers. Out in the middle of nowhere in a business park area. Had dinner at the only place we could find, a Bennigan's. Went to the rink, did all the hockey stuff.

Up really early for more hockey, then Catherine and I went into town to the Cincinnati Art Museum. They had a nice exhibit of photographs up, borrowed from the Henry Art Gallery. Had lunch at the museum, took a nap in the car while Catherine was looking at the poster exhibit. More hockey which pretty much ruined my evening. Spent most of the post-game hours either crying or trying not to cry. Went to Applebee's for dinner, which was surprisingly good.

Avoided the team the next morning and got out on the road without having to talk to anyone. We had a really nice drive home. Left the freeway and drove up to Brookville (Brooksville?), a very cute little town with a nice Catholic Church. Spent some time in Metamora, took a canal boat ride, sprained my ankle (the irony). Had a decent tuna sandwich. Drove back on a small highway, through Oldenburg (?), a village of spires. Very nice with the fall air and turned leaves. Avoided I-74 almost the entire way. Got a little turned around in Columbus, but found our way back to 46 with no problems.

Spent the evening on the couch with ice on my ankle. Already today I've broken my resolve to go to the gym every day, but my ankle was legitimately injured, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack.


Thursday, October 18, 2001

I continue to wake up completely exhausted, already worrying about what might be on the news. Catherine has been really good about keeping the TV off in the mornings. Lately I've been breaking the "no TV in the evenings" rule, I need to be better about that. I dreamt last night that Paul McCartney died, and I was really sad. It was the first thing I asked about when I woke up. I think I dreamt about Paul McCartney because I was thinking about those Afghan men who were killed by U.S. bombing, the ones who were involved in cleaning Afghanistan of landmines. My dreaming mind must have made the connection to Paul's new wife. I guess.

I'm not making myself feel any better by staying up too late at night, but I feel like I need to watch the Daily Show to get my laughs these days. America Freaks Out! pretty much describes it. He's such a cute guy, I would like to pat his head.

We watched a show no the WTC last night on the History Channel when I got home from school. It was filmed in January, and was kind of creepy.

Hockey this weekend, it will feel good to be doing something besides work and school. Had a test last night, I think I did okay, although I was worrying about it a lot before hand. I didn't study very hard for it, and it turns out he handed out a review sheet last week when I was gone because of my sinus infection, so I didn't really focus on the right things. But I think it went okay. Now we're doing trigometric functions, and that's okay, just kind of tedious.

I'm trying not to think of the long-term impact of all this. I can't see the end of it--will this go on forever? Will we grab bin Laden, put him on trial, and execute him like Timothy McVeigh? If we shoot him dead, will this lead to more terrorism? If we don't shoot him dead, will it lead to more terrorism? Will countries dependent on US tourist dollars make it through this? Will we bomb everyone we don't like? Will the Northern Alliance fill the power vacuum left by the destruction of the Taliban? Will they abuse people, too? Will India and Pakistan nuke each other into oblivion? Are we contributing to the environmental disaster that is known as Afghanistan? Will China run amok, now that it is our ally and we've given it the Olympics? Will we have the Olympics? Will Sharon back off a little and give Palestine what it wants?

No wonder I'm tired.

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

46 degrees, clear and cold. Dew point 31 degrees. Barometer 30.34s. Supposed to be sunny and warmer.

I think I'm going to have to take physics 101 and comm 101 next semester. How much does that suck? Catherine is closer to finishing her degree than I am at this point. Not taking classes in the summer really screws things up.

Tuesday, October 16, 2001

I can't believe the lousy choices I have for classes next semester. How is a working person supposed to earn a degree when all the night classes are first year courses? Augh, I'm disgusted.
Rainy, foggy, cold weather. "The sky is low, the clouds are mean" type of thing. Got my new suite101.com topic up and running, glad to be out of Korean culture. I was just lacking enthusiasm near the end there. Hopefully this architecture thing will give me a chance to explore some of the new stuff out there, get reacquainted with the old stuff.
Very cool that my brother went to visit my parents. I was pretty psyched about that. Mom says he drove up for just two days, helped my dad cut down the trees on the river bank. And she said he was actually singing! Imagine that.

I'm 100% sick of my philosophy lesson. I feel like I'm never going to finish it. I start on it, write a few sentences, drift off. I need to get it done so I can take the midterm.

Figured out why I couldn't do the endpoint snap on my BCFramer tutorial on Friday. Got lots of stuff to do for that class.

Monday, October 15, 2001

We spent the weekend in Columbus, playing hockey. I've been pretty cranky lately, not liking my job, not being able to find a new one. Zero motivation in school, all the usual signs. Had a decent game, although it's hard to put the mistakes behind me. Two stand out in my mind (out of the dozens, I'm sure), and I'm trying to just forget about them. Can I keep attributing my stress and depression to September 11?