Monday, June 09, 2003

A nice weekend, full of laziness. Spent most of this morning drinking coffee and playing chess with Catherine. She would have won except she finally made a fatal error w/her queen. Up until then, I really thought she was going to take the game.

Hockey was better tonight. I felt more comfortable w/the group that showed up. In fact, one of my linemates was there, and it was good getting to skate w/her again. We played cross-ice 3-on-3. I could type a ten page essay on the whole hockey subject, but it's midnight, and I'm tired. However...

1. Hockey is good enough for now. My identity as an athlete is still suffering, even w/running and tae kwon do, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. But I have so much free time now. I hadn't realized how much of our lives was dedicated to my hockey until it was gone. I think playing pick up for a while is fine.

2. Although I'm sad about a lot of things re: hockey, I guess what I'm mostly sad about is that I didn't realize that if I left the team, I'd leave my friendship w/Jenna. Apparently I'm naive. I keep trying to puzzle through it, but it all comes back to the same thing, hockey was more important than our friendship in the end. I wish Rough Guides would publish a guide to friendship. God knows I'm lost often enough, I could really use a map and a guide in an easy-to-read format.

3. My identity as an athlete is in limbo, but my identity as a musician is starting to re-emerge. I'm not sure when the anxiety and emotional turmoil I always associated w/band disappeared. I can still find the pain if I want to, but what I've mostly noticed is that I've just grown up and relaxed. No more throwing up before performances, no more beating my head against the door frame because I'm not good enough. If I could go back to my freshman year in college and take the confidence I have now w/me, I'd definitely go through w/being a music major (conducting, though, not performance).

Argh, a few notes before I go to bed so often turns into a few paragraphs into a few pages. Must. Stop. Talking.

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