Thursday, January 08, 2004

Things not to talk about.

Last night we had a conversation--albeit a short one--about finding a chronic pain support group. For me, presumably, since I'm the one who mentioned it. Is that the next logical step? I don't know.

I think I do a pretty job of keeping it together, all things considered. I am exceptionally good at gritting my teeth and making it through the day one hour--one minute--at a time, especially given the requirements of my job. Pain is very personal and private, I'm discovering, and I don't want it to be on public display. Only Catherine gets to see the very worst parts of my day, and even then I can sometimes manage to exclude her. Anyway, most of the time, I think it's not a very big deal. I can suck it up, it's not like I'm dying of cancer or anything, and with a bit of luck, nothing will get any worse.

But then there are those moments when I really don't think I can take care of it at all. Today's my day off, and I'm annoyed that I can't move around a lot, but at least I can keep myself busy in the daytime. Nights can be absolutely ruinous, though. You can't sleep because you can't get comfortable, or worse, you can't stay asleep, because every time you move, you jar some sensitive body part and wake yourself back up. And even worse is when everything hurts so much that you even ache when you're asleep. Night before last I dreamed that I was curled up on the floor of the waiting room of the doctor's office, trying to get pain medication, and the pharmacist wouldn't give it to me because the doctor wasn't writing the scrip properly, so I was just going to have to wait or go without, no matter how much I was suffering. When I woke up, I hurt in exactly the places I hurt in my dream, and my bed was soaked with sweat from fighting against it. I'm sure Catherine didn't mind me sharing her half the bed after that, but personally, I'd rather just get a good night's sleep.

So, I don't know. A support group? It sounds like a good idea, but then again, it's not my favorite topic, so I'm not sure it would do me any good because I wouldn't want to talk about it. And I hate talking to strangers, anyway. I've looked at some internet groups but that just seems like too much work. It's easy to talk about hard subjects in text, but hard to get to really know the person/people at the other end. I don't want to first sort through the complexities of internet communication, then get to the real issue, it would take too much time and energy. Or maybe I'm just looking for a convenient excuse to do nothing. That seems a little more likely.

No comments: