Sunday, January 18, 2004

Of course.

Last night at 8:15, I came down with a cold. I can actually pinpoint it to the minute. I was sitting in my chair, minding my own business, when suddenly I had to sneeze. And sneeze again. And again. I've had a handful of Kleenex in my hand ever since. Is this some god's idea of punishing me for being an atheist?

Kind of an up and down weekend. It had some higher moments: I got a letter from my foster parents, the first one in forever, I think. We had breakfast with Erika and Henry this morning. I made a loaf of bread and a batch of cookies yesterday. We scraped up some change and went to the dollar movie theater yesterday. So, it's not all bad, I guess. I'm just really tired of struggling against depression, and I'd like to just stop. I can't say I'm actively suicidal, but if someone else wanted to do the killing deed, I don't think I'd protest. I'm a bank robber's worst nightmare. If someone put a gun to my head and said, "Give me all the money or I'll pull the trigger," I'm afraid my reply would be, "Oh my gosh, would you? That would be SO fantastic of you!"

I don't know, it seems like there's a lot going on in the world, and I can hear people around me talking about it, but I can't focus on what they're actually saying. Current events are passing by in a haze, and I can't seem to make myself care about much of anything outside my own head. I spend all my time adding and subtracting, trying to make the numbers come out right, but they never change. I can't keep this job and retain the use of my body. I can't keep this job and not lose our house. But I can't seem to come up with any other alternatives. I was so tempted to accept the one job offer I've had, even though it wasn't in my field, but when I sat down and thought about the numbers, we'd still end up losing the house in the end, so what would be the point? I can't have surgery, because I'll lose my job, but my job is ensuring that I need surgery a lot sooner than I would have otherwise.

And I guess I've made it all worse by not letting anyone know what's going on. Although...I think when people ask, "Hey, how's it going?" they really just want to hear "Great, just fine," or at most, "Well, things have been tough, but they're looking up, we're going to make it." They don't want to hear "I feel like I have a gun pointed at my head all the time, and I don't think I'm going to make it." Today was the first time I told any of our "in person" friends even part of what's going on with us. I probably should have been up front about the fact that I couldn't find real work last summer, at least then I could call up my friends and talk about it now. Maybe. I'm not sure.

So...ending with a positive thought...maybe something good will happen tomorrow. Maybe I can start turning my life around.

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