Thursday, December 11, 2003

Who am I?

I took a long drive out in the county this morning because I do my best thinking--well, okay, crying--while I'm driving. It didn't seem to help much, though. The only thing I can really say is that I need a different job. I do not like the person I become when I'm at work. It's not the job itself, and it's not *exactly* the people. I like most of them well enough. It's just that I can't thrive in an environment in which conflicts are resolved (or not) by determining who can yell the loudest and use the most profanity. That's me, in case anyone was wondering. I can rationalize my short temper all I want--there are a lot of other things weighing on me right now: finances, money, education, family, general holiday stress, so of course I might blow my top when deliberately provoked. But I really don't think I'm the kind of person who just spontaneously combusts, and it worries me that I've done so twice since September. Not at home, either, but at work, where it just shouldn't happen.

And you know, it doesn't matter in terms of my job, because this is exactly the level of maturity on which everyone there operates. I threaten to kick Mike's ass to hell and back, and my boss shrugs because hey, he can totally understand wanting to beat someone's head in. So I don't have anyone reining me in, not that I should need anyone to do that, because I should be able to control my own temper. It's just kitchen work, for godsakes, it's not like I'm working in a nuclear power plant where everything needs to go exactly the right way.

So, I apologize to all those other people driving out in the county this morning, I know I was probably annoying as hell, not paying any attention to my speed or my direction of travel. If I almost ran you off the road while I was ranting and raving to myself, I'm sorry.

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