Okay, yes, sorry, I am home.

I installed a rather aggressive junkmail program before leaving, and it emptied two weeks' worth of mail out of my inbox and into the junkmail folder. A better person than I would sort through the 500 or so pieces of junkmail to save the holiday greetings from friends and family. A better person than I, I am not, so if you meant for me to read that e-mail, you might consider sending it again.

Things to remember for next time:

Don't take a coat, you'll never use it.
Do take snowboots, you will use them (and try to make your wife take hers, too).
Don't let the car rental place replace your SUV with a sedan. Remember you need to get out of the driveway in the snow.
Rent from somewhere else but Budget next time, even though the nice agent in Sacramento almost made up for the horrendous agent in Seattle.
Visit California first, then Washington. It will make a difference on the return trip.
Don't take too many sweaters, you'll only wear one or two (just like you do at home, moron).
Buy a new travel pillow and chain it to your bag (who would steal a worn-out pillow?).
Make the phone call north, even if you're tired.
Nine-year-old children don't always understand life the way you do: deal with it.
Just because you forget your gay doesn't mean everyone else will: deal with that, too.
Remember that it's always winter in high school.
Corollary: Don't travel in the winter.
Sleep before you leave.
Read more, talk less.
Read more, eat less.
Read more.