I told myself I wasn't going to write anything more until I could think of something happy to write about, but that was starting to feel like it was just going to lead to an eternal silence. I don't know where the happy thoughts are right now, but they're definitely not anywhere within my reach, and I'm not sure I even care. I'm getting pretty good at shrugging off everything and everyone around me.

About the only thing good that happened today was that Bobby gave me a lot of compliments when I was drumming this afternoon. The funniest thing he said--and it really was supposed to be a compliment--was, "Susan, if you told someone you were a drummer, and sat down and started playing, they would never know you were lying." What he meant was: "Susan, you sound as if you've played the set all your life; you're a little rusty, maybe, but otherwise, you've got it down." It just didn't come out that way. A few sessions ago, he told me the only thing standing between me being an adequate drummer and me being a really good drummer was the matter of self confidence, and I guess he's right. When I'm home alone, I relax and play a lot better, and when I just shut my eyes and stopped thinking about it today, I could feel myself leaning into the music. He swears I was in a groove, and said he wished he had a bass guitar to sit down and jam with me. Also, he said he wished he had his Pocket PC so he could record my sound on the kick drum, because it was really sharp and unique and cool.

Afterward, he said (consumate salesman) that I play well enough to seriously consider upgrading my kit. He wasn't sure until he heard me today, but he thinks it's time to invest in a higher level set. I'm so tired of saying, "Well, if I ever get a job..." but that's the way it is right now. I just don't have 1/3 of $880. He told me that when I buy a new set, he'd throw in a harmonica, which obviously decided the matter right there. I have to get a new drum set.