Four and a half hours last night. It's improving.

If I didn't know better, I'd say I was peri-menopausal. My mood swings were incredible yesterday. After I finished my rough draft, I was hopping around on one leg trying to do the happy dance for an hour. Next thing I knew, I was in tears--mostly about MistyD, I think, but partly about Todd--and then an hour later, I was completely manic again. I spent three hours last night playing DJ and hopping around my office. The end result is a stack of, like, 50 CDs on my desk that I have to put away this morning. And my knee is absolutely killing me from trying to dance on it anyway last night.

Following up on last night's melancholy, Catherine and I had a long conversation in bed this morning about Todd and why I can still be reduced to tears three years later. It's amazing that someone you're not even romantically interested in can fuck up your life so badly. I think the conclusion we came to this morning--again--is that it's not really Todd that I'm sad over, although I do miss having a best friend. What I'm really worried about is that it will happen with someone else. I had no idea someone could be so cruel, especially not someone I admired so much. I'm not sure how both Catherine and I missed his mean side for so many years. What I worry about is I'm going to find someone else I really like, spend time with them, get to know them, like them or even love them, and one day out of the blue they're going to turn around and hand me an itemized list of all my character flaws, everything they don't like about me.

As Catherine pointed out, the hard part was--if I was bugging him so much, why didn't he just say something in February when I first started getting on his nerves, instead of masking it all with friendliness for six months? I don't understand how someone can keep a tally in the back of their heads of all the things they hate about you, but at the same time, (apparently) eagerly make plans to go out to dinner. I have gone over it and over it and over it, and there were absolutely no signs of any kind that our friendship had come to mean less to him. If he really cared, he should have said something to me. Hell, he could have written "Get Lost" on a post-it note, and that would have been better. And if he behaved badly because something in his own life was going wrong, he should have said that, too. I don't take friendships lightly, I don't ask just anybody to be my best man at my wedding. If he wasn't comfortable with that role in my life, he should have stepped away from it years before.

And another thing that keeps me away from people, I'm not just afraid they'll dislike me, I'm afraid they'll misunderstand my intentions. I am a more-than-happily married woman. I'm not looking for anything outside of my relationship with Catherine. There is nothing better, and I'm not even curious about anyone else. I do not want to have dinner with a friend and have them turn around and say, "Yeah, well, it's obvious you're chasing me, and I'm not interested." How in the world Todd could ever even suggest something so stupid is beyond me. I mean, I don't how in the world he missed the fact that I am GAY, for chrissakes. And how arrogant is he to be to assume that if I was going to sleep with a man it would be him? I don't think so, scrawny, hairy boy. And how insulting of him, to stand at my wedding the year before as I pledged my entire life to Catherine, and then turn around and suggest to me I didn't mean those vows?

Anyway. It's obviously time to get over this crap. This is the first time I've ever written at such length about it, and they say "journaling" is supposed to make you more sane. We'll see about that.