Trying not to be glum and morose. Trying to figure out what I can write down and what I don't want to talk about, even with myself.

The truth is, I know I won't follow the physical therapist's restrictions. I'll be very dedicated at doing the strengthening and stretching exercises, but I know that I won't stop running. And everyone is going to hammer on me about it, so I don't want to talk about it. I don't need other people telling me how foolish and short-sighted I'm being, I already know what an idiot I can be. This is one of those times when maybe only Catherine--who has watched how my life has developed over the last ten years--seems to understand why I can't stop.

I don't have any other options if I want to be an impact player this year, I just don't. I'm willing to cut back from 45 minutes to 30. I'm willing to swap one run a week for swimming (until I blow my rotator cuff out *again*). But other than that, what other high-intensity aerobic exercise can I do? It's the pre-season. I need to be getting in at least 5 (preferably 6) solid workouts a week.

I gave up rowing because of my wrist, and it's unlikely the doctor would give me permission to take it back up again right now. I can practically feel my wrist disintegrating every time I use my hand--if I can only use it for one sport, it's got to be hockey at this point. Cycling--same story. Not only does it bother my knee, I can't grip handlebars for more a minute or two at a time. This is all very contradictory, because sailing also bothers my hand, but I'm not going to stop doing that. Why does sailing rank over biking or rowing? I don't know, it's not getting me in shape, that's for sure, and it's contributing to the demise of my hand. Still, if I had to choose between sailing, cycling and rowing, I know it would be sailing.

My weight-training schedule is completely fucked up. I can't do many lower-body weights because of the knee. I can't do any upper-body weights right now because I can't grip. It will probably be another two or three days before I can pick things up without a lot of pain. Three days doesn't sound like much, but when you look at the calendar, you can see there aren't many more days between now and Sept. 6.

I've already decided I'm going to keep writing with my left hand, even when the pain subsides and I can use a pencil in my right hand again. My printing is pretty legible with my left hand, and although I know I'll never be able to do any drafting left-handed, I can at least subtract one more activity from the list my right hand needs to accomplish.

I sound so whiny and insipid. There are tons of people in the world worse off than me. I have a teammate who had to give up the sport forever because of the injury. I just read an article about a runner who got hit by a car and ended up a quadriplegic, and he was all "good attitude" about it, while I obviously would not be. I know my bad attitude is wrapped up with a lot of body image crap. And actually, I think I just hit the point where I don't want to talk about this anymore.
4:25 PM


We're taking a tour of the Kinsey Institute during our staff meeting today. Catherine has promised not to do anything to embarrass me.

According to her mom, Heather Cassady has been picked up by the pro team Akademia in Athens, Greece. I'm very happy for her. I've never seen a player with a better work ethic--I spend a lot of time trying to "channel my inner Heatherness" and "reach Cassadian levels of fitness," to no avail.

I have some mobility back in my fingers, my wrist is still frozen solid. Hopefully, the pain and swelling will go away so I can go sailing tomorrow. I was going to go out today, but I guess that's not going to happen.

This morning, I was using Google to search for articles on coping with athletic injuries. Google has a column of "sponsored links" on the right-hand side of the pane. One of those links is for buying "Athletic Injury on Ebay." Funny, I don't think that's going to be a hot ticket item.