So, yesterday I saw a girl get run over and killed by a bus. Or, rather, I didn't see it, even though I was looking right at the bus when it happened. Maybe that's why I'm so upset--it seems like if an 18-year-old girl is going to be killed in front of me, the least I could so is see it. Did I glance away at just the right moment? I can't remember, and what I do remember doesn't seem to match up with what must have happened.

I'm pretty sure I saw the bus come to a stop. I must have, it was turning into the street in front of me. And I think I must have thought, "Oh, it is stopped because a student is crossing even though the bus is trying to turn," or something like that, because I think that a dozen times every time I drive near campus. But I don't really know. I know the bus stopped and eventually I realized it wasn't moving again, but even then, I didn't see. I had a conversation with myself about how it was really a good thing that traffic was stalled because I didn't have much money to put in the meter, so if could spend a few minutes stopped in traffic, that would put me in the parking lot that much closer to five o'clock after which time parking would be free.

I don't know when I really looked at what was in front of me--never, really. It just dawned on me that people weren't moving properly, the people on the sidewalk, I mean. And I remember thinking, "Oh, god, I hope the bus didn't stop because someone jumped off that building and committed suicide." Why would I think that? It doesn't even make sense. Yes, there's a tall building right on that block, but why did I think that (other than the fact that twice people have jumped off buildings right outside my office in the past ten years)? So, I talked to myself about how I hoped no one jumped off the building, and how something bad is obviously going on right here, and if I turned off could I figure out how to get to where I was going? Because I haven't lived here long enough to know how to get anywhere, really.

And by then, of course, I knew it was really bad. I have been trying to figure out exactly how things happened, but it just seems like there were people there, and then there were sirens, and then I was turning off and heading in a different direction. I drove around for a bit, then felt sort of drawn back, so I parked in the library parking lot. I knew it was really bad then, because the police had put up yellow tape to keep traffic out and there was a (second?) ambulance (for the bus driver?). I spent two hours in the library trying not to think about it, but the bus was still there when I came out, waiting for me.

Since I didn't see...it didn't happen. It didn't happen for me until I was walking to school this morning and I saw the flowers on the sidewalk--why didn't I take a different route to school? Why did I stop for coffee before class this morning? I usually don't, and when I don't, I walk up Wright, and then I wouldn't have seen anything this morning.

If I did see anything. I know what I think I saw last night, but I also know it couldn't have happened that way. I know for part of today I remembered the bus facing one way, then for the rest of the day, I remembered it facing the other way, which I think is the right way? It was facing me to the south, right? Well, I know what I didn't see, but I can't figure out how it's possible that someone can be killed right in front of me yet I can't see it. But I didn't see what was right in front of me, and that seems really, really wrong.

I decided quite awhile ago that this wouldn't be another one of those cloak-and-dagger-life-in-academia blogs. You know the ones I'm talkng about? The ones with authors who all seem to be sporting flashy noms de guerre and all refer to their family members with catchy pseudonyms or abbreviations? (Note to those blog people--if you're in academia and you identify your subject of study and the fact that you're in a tenure-track position in a major midwestern state school, I can find you in less than 10 minutes whether you want me to or not.) I hate the kind of rhetoric that floats out from behind these masked identities. People seem to think that because they are "anonymous," they are somehow protected from institutional control, and thus their writing is more "real" and "accessible" since it is "uncensored" and "tells it like it really is." My opinion? We could use a little more self-censorship on the web. If you can get fired for saying it in public, make a choice: either say it outloud anyway and really challenge the system, or keep it to yourself. Speaking out when there is nothing at stake isn't particularly useful. More importantly, it isn't particularly interesting (to me).

That's actually two decisions I made: 1) don't write a whiny "the academy sucks and this is why" blog with a fake name and location (I'm at University of Illinois @ Urbana-Champaign if you couldn't figure that out for yourselves) and 2) never read anonymous blogs again. Decision #1 wasn't particularly drastic--I don't write in any form of journal much anymore, so not going through the effort to write long (yet mysterious) passages on the view from the second floor of the ivory tower isn't exactly a hardship. Decision #2 required some thought, but then I realized, of all the anonymous blogs I read, I only ever enjoy one. I'd much rather read Francis' thoughts on can openers or Josh's take on Rex Morgan than...well...I won't link to the kind of writing that bores me to death. There's critical, and then there's mean, and I'm not in the mood to be mean.

Left Bloomington on Saturday, drove to Illinois w/Garry and Amanda following. G & A did the hard parts of unloading the truck, but at least we took them to dinner at Dom's. Slept on the floor so they could have the bed Saturday night. Too old for this kind of stuff. Trying to get everything organized, Catherine is focusing on the kitchen. Trying to remember this downward mobility is temporary and I'll eventually be back in a nice, clean, stable, lower-middle-class home. Met w/advisors, bought the books, classes start tomorrow. I guess they'll be keeping me busy.

A Lifetime of Birthdays

18th - Nike golf shoes and a golf bag from Village Green in Port Orchard
19th - On the ranch. Elsie's sour cream white sheet cake w/guitar.
20th - Would have been on the ranch. A vague memory of watching TV at my grandmother's.
21st - Just back from the Soviet Union. A barbeque w/my parents and aunt using the green sauce I smuggled out of Soviet Georgia.
22nd - Must have been at my parents in Loomis. Living in Seattle.
23rd - First summer in Bellingham, just back from the Soviet Union. Must have been at my parents.
24th - Leaving for L.A., driving to David's in Eugene from Seattle.
25th - Working for Ron, must have been at my parents in Loomis.
26th - First birthday w/Catherine, Oregon Zoo t-shirt.
27th - Can't really remember.
28th - Can't really remember.
29th - Must have been the year we went to Ashland/Jacksonville. Dinner at the Greenleaf Restaurant.
30th - Woke up puking in Beloit, Wisconsin. Arrived in Bloomington, dinner w/David and Jen, Kes was fed up w/me.
31st - Moving to the house, staying at David and Jen's. Spent the night at the Grant St. Inn, salmon dinner at the Uptown.
32nd - Might have been the year we went to the Indiana State Fair to see Reba.
33rd - Can't really remember.
34th - Can't really remember.
35th - Woke up in a cabin on Skykomish River, went for a run. Drove to Seattle, dinner at the Mongolian barbeque, Catherine bought me a couple of books at Bailey/Coy. Stayed on the MV Challenger, had a daytrip to Tillicum Village. Biggest birthday ever.
36th - Woke up in Pokagon State Park. Catherine gave me Douglas the skunk. Ended up at Bear Creek Farm for the night. Pretty well documented online.
37th - Low key, just back from vacation. Bought an ice-cream cake from Ritter's, had Garry and Amanda over.
38th - Indiana State Fair to see Garrison Keillor. First birthday party ever. Garry and Amanda hosted surprise party w/Diane and Garrett, Henry and Erika. Grace slept on my lap.
39th - Can't really remember, other than the fact that Catherine hooked me up with high-speed internet for a present during the first week of classes.
40th - Dinner with Dana, Craig, Jonah, Evie. Catherine arranged for us to take a sail on the lake while we were in Chicago.
41st - Trip to the National Corvette Museum and Mammoth Cave, Kentucky.
42nd - Bhopal in silence (2009).
43rd - Sugarland w/Little Big Town at the Indiana State Fair, movie (Nanny McPhee Returns), lunch at Bucceto's, chocolate cake.
44th - Bowling. I had to teach on my actual birthday (2011) but Beth W. took me out to dinner (donation by Catherine).
45th - Dinner at Bucceto's, chocolate cake. Mammoth Cave, Kentucky.
46th - Thai food in Charlottesville, first day in Esmont.
47th - Niagara Falls, overnight in Buffalo, moving to Boston.
48th - Attempted to make my own cupcakes. Tropical sprinkles with plastic zoo animals (2015).
49th - Saturday rocket launch with CMASS, Sunday visit to Gropius house, Thai food for dinner, camping the next weekend.
50th - Started the day before with a total solar eclipse! Catherine bought me a Burke whistle, which I played for the first time at the rental house in the Alvord desert. Lisa tried to make a cake, but it ended up as chocolate mousse. Liz drove up from California. When we got back to Massachusetts, there was a Pikachu cake!

51st - Not a big celebration, feeling blue because of Fern and Lee. But another Pikachu cake! Two lovely books from Catherine (a medieval bird book, a book on underwater archaeology). Maynard Community Band concert.

52nd - Catherine bought us tickets for a weekend in Rockport! Summer Celtic Sojourn, "Celtic/Appalachia" and "Strings on Strings." Fantastic! A nice Airbnb in Gloucester. French bakery on the final morning. Pikachu plays the fiddle cake!

53rd - A Happy Pandemic Birthday. Made a peach cobbler. Catherine gave me two Carpenters albums (vinyl), four books (Maya glyphs, Egyptian hieroglyphs, two hiking books), zoo membership, pizza, played bocce.

54th - Camping at Massasoit State Park. Cut short thanks to Hurricane Henri. Run in the rain at the park. Fungarium book, virtual ukulele camp, carrot cake, zoo animal (Vicki the Sloth Bear)

55th - Camping at Lake Dennison, a little bit of stargazing. Lemon cake (1/2 100 days of violin reward), banjo uke. Great bird songbook, Danish string quartet CD.

56th - Another fantastic lemon cake. Went for a boat ride on the Blackstone River on Sunday. A run in the morning, out to dinner in the evening. A Low D Whistle, a book about the East India Co., an alabaster bowl and scarabs from Egypt.

57th - Up at 4:30 for a run (short 4.5 miles, cut-back week while training for NJ 50K). Cute Pokemon card from Catherine. Had a normal work day, violin lesson. Had an S&T folk get-together on Saturday after, with a birthday cake featuring chickens and hay bales. Presents: new blankets, book on women in the Valley of the Kings, sea monster tshirt, running socks, Taylor Swift music books, Shokz headphones.

Tonasket High School Class of 1985 20th Class Reunion.

T minus 7 and counting.

От старых друзей весточки нет, грустно.
А на душе от свежих газет пусто.
И от несвежих - невелика потеха.
Правда вот был армейский дружок - уехал.

Ой-йо, ой-йо, ой-йо.
Ой-йо, ой-йо, ой-йо.

Запил сосед - у них на фабрике стачка.
С чаем беда - осталась одна пачка.
На кухне записка: "Не жди, останусь у Гали".
По телеку рядятся, как дальше жить - достали.

Ой-йо, ой-йо, ой-йо.
Ой-йо, ой-йо, ой-йо.

Скорей бы лед встал. Пошел бы тогда на рыбалку.
Чего бы поймал - знакомым раздал, не жалко.
Луна появилась и лезет настырно все выше и выше.
Сейчас со всей мочи завою с тоски - никто не услышит.

Ой-йо, ой-йо, ой-йо.
A если не услышит, ой-йо!

So that's it, then. My boss handed me my last paycheck, thanked me for my work, and shook my hand in farewell. One year of work--finished. I feel a little sad, because these past two weeks, with the clock running out, I liked my job. It was a lot like it was at the beginning, with a lot to do, much to be taken care of. I'm consoling myself with the knowledge that my affection for this position surely would have been short-lived; reality has a way of showing up again in the end.

My boss is going to be in a world of hurt without me, I can say that. I don't think he's realized how much I've been doing around here. Even worse, I don't think he realized how much more I could have done, if only he'd given me the chance. His loss. Now he doesn't have anyone to help him. Not that I'm irreplaceable, but he'll have a hard time, I think. I'm proud of what I've done in the last year. It's a heady feeling, looking around a construction site, knowing that a certain wall is located just where it is because I told them to put it there. I could have had them put it a half-inch or a half-foot in the other direction, but I didn't. Good, strong stuff.

Anyway, that's over and done with, and we'll just have to see what happens next.

On a partly un-related note, I've decided this is a good time to take an extended vacation from the chore of updating this page. I've been keeping an online life chronicle for four years now, and I stopped learning about myself in the process of doing it about two years ago. For the past six months or so, this journal has been limping along on crippled legs. For the last two months, it's been kept alive only by the internet equivalent of an iron lung. This seems like the right time to let it go for awhile. Feel free to check back in a few months--only about half of the goodbyes in the world turn out to be forever.

We had a great weekend. I am in love with the Raymonster. Seriously.

Yesterday was a surprisingly good day. It's like everything good was waiting to happen on one particular day of the year, and that day of the year was apparently February 28. Who knew?

1. Realizing you don't suck, you just need to get your skates sharpened.

2. Informing your boss in a no-nonsense voice that No, you cannot stay on an extra two weeks.

3. Arriving home to find the order from Powells has *finally* arrived.

4. Being accepted into the grad program of your choice.

5. After two years of fussing, planning, waiting, buying a new drum set.

6. Managing to wash a week's worth of dirty dishes and discovering that you still have time to read before bed.

If I'd known how much better work would be once I'd given my two-week's notice, I would have quit a long time ago. I hand in my resignation, my boss hands me back my dignity. Nice trade. Somewhere in there is a heavy dose of irony, but I don't have time to look for it right now.

In other news, the afghan I'm working on is going well. I've got about a month of crocheting on it ahead of me, but I think it will stretch longer because I'm going to start this one as soon as I get the yarn. Working w/the afghan hook all evening tires out the hands; working a second quilt w/a K-size hook will be a nice alternative.

Anyway...I lack the motivation to document the details of my life, so I'm not going to do it for now. I'm going out of town for the weekend, maybe something so exciting will happen while I'm gone that I will be compelled to return to the keyboard afterward. On the other hand, maybe I'll just return home to my recliner and spend some quality time with a skein of yarn.

It's been a horrible, terrible experience--the kind of time when you find yourself standing on the bank of the river, wondering what it would feel like to drown. At least, that's where I've been the past several weeks. To his credit, my boss didn't make it worse when he could have, and I'm really not sure why, but I'm pretty sure I don't care anyway. In a couple of weeks I'll start a new job, and maybe we'll back away from the flood waters for awhile.

Mary Ann's article.

Asian carpets;
XVI, and XVII, century designs from the Jaipur palaces, &c., &c.,
Thomas Holbein Hendley; S S Jacob, Sir
1905
English Book Book 2 p. l., 20 p. CL (i.e. 145) pl. (part double, chiefly col.) maps. 56 cm.
London, W. Griggs,


Jeypore enamels,
S S Jacob, Sir; Thomas Holbein Hendley
1886
English Book Book 16 p. 28 col. pl. 38 cm.
London, W. Griggs,

Jeypore portfolio of architectural details ...
S S Jacob, Sir
1890-1913
English Book Book 12 v. 713 pl. (part col.) 45 cm. (pt. 1-6: 55 cm.)
London, B. Quaritch [etc.]


Jeypore portfolio of architectural details /
S S Jacob, Sir
1977, 1890
English Book Book portfolios : chiefly ill. ; 39 cm.
Varanasi : Indological Book House,

Impounding-reservoirs in India, and the design of masonry dams.
Comprising ... I. The Tansa works for the water-supply of Bombay. By William John Bird Clerke ... II. The Baroda waterworks. By Jagannath Sadasewjee ... III. The water-supply of Jeypore, Rajputana. By Colonel Samuel Swinton Jacob ... IV. On the design of masonry dams. By Franz Kreuter ... With an abstract of the discussion upon the papers.
James Forrest
1893
English Book Book 71, [1] p. incl. tables, diagrs. 4 fold. diagr. 23 cm.
London, The Institution,

Ask Catherine a question.

My third day home from work, and I still feel like crap. I have to go back to work tomorrow whether I want to or not, we can't afford such a long layoff as this has become. Particularly since Catherine received the lovely news this week that her "benefits" package is being re-worked, resulting in a $130 cut in take-home pay a month. As if she wasn't already being paid half the market value (the university market value, that is, which is about $10,000 less than the real world market value) of her position. A high pressure job with very little to offer in the way of recompense and rewards, if you ask me.

Lots of "what if" conversations going on right now. If we can't pay our mortgage, why not just sell the house? The solution we both seem to like right now is to sell the house and move in with Catherine's parents until we can find jobs in the Portland area. We won't make enough on the house to worry about capital gains tax, but we should make enough to pay for a few months of my student loans, moving expenses, and household expenses while we try to find employment. This seems to be on an early summer kind of timetable, and many things could happen between now and then, but we both think it might be the best thing we can do right now.

To support the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction:

Please contact the appropriate Indiana State Legislator (if you don't know who is representing you, check here), and encourage her or him to stand AGAINST House Bill 1841.

Two people in the household, both watching too much television. Two people in the household, neither getting enough exercise. Two people in the household, both unhappy with their jobs. Two people in the household, one has been sick in bed the past few days and the other has been playing nursemaid. Two people in the household, neither has anything to say.

Photocopying fees: $75.64
Testing feees: $115.00
Application fees: $190.00
Transcript fees: $172.00
Lodging during two interviews: $174.71
Four tutoring sessions: $80.00

Not included: transportation (gasoline, 670 miles), postage, paper/ink

Total expenses to date: $807.35

Model One.

Model Two.

We went down to Madison for the weekend, courtesy of my parents. We almost didn't go, as there was snow on the ground when we got up Saturday morning, and the route we intended to take was underwater from the flooding on the White River (see below), but we went anyway. Mostly there's not a lot to write about, because this is our third or fourth visit in as many years. Usually we stay up at Clifty Falls State Park, but the lodge is under construction now, so Catherine cut a deal with the owner of the Madison Fudge Factory and we stayed in a room above the candy store. It came with 1/2 pound of free fudge, as if we haven't had enough sugar in the past month.

We originally started visiting Madison because of the architecture and the park, but the truth is, we come back because movies at the downtown theater are only $3.50. We finally saw The Incredibles (great animation, good writing, so-so plot) Saturday night, and then went out for pizza afterward. It can be hard to find a meal in Madison this time a year, everything is closed for the winter, but when you do find them, they're all good.

The Ohio River is supposed to crest on Wednesday. In the meantime, it seems to be rising about a foot a day (based on our unscientific observations). Between our noontime walk along the bank and our 3 o'clock walk, the river had risen at least two inches, so it may be picking up speed.

Catherine at the river Saturday afternoon:



Same spot, Sunday afternoon:

Left work early on Thursday, just before they closed Ind. 46.

Driving west over the White River, looking across at the eastbound bridge:



Things look normal, but we're being re-routed out of our lanes into lanes that are normally eastbound:



The westbound lanes are threatened by the river:



One westbound lanes is underwater, the other and the turn lane are still there:



Two lanes under, turn lane still remains:



No lanes, all under water:



It won't be long until the eastbound lanes are under as well, but I'll be gone before that happens:

No internet access at home. We should probably call SBC about our phone line, but since they've already fixed it five different times in the past year, I can't see why I should waste my time. I should probably just have it disconnected and give up the modem connection entirely. I'd probably get more done in the evenings.

Or maybe not, as I've spent the past several days doing absolutely nothing even without the distraction of the internet at my fingertips. I think I chipped my humerus on New Year's Day (thanks so much, oh ye gods of arthritis), so I've expended a lot of energy toward keeping my body motionless. One good result of this event is that I learned that the plural of "humerus" is "humeri." Almost it makes it worth it, doesn't it? Anyway, I've got an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on Monday, so we'll soon see what's what.

Tomorrow is Catherine's birthday.

Rob, you depress me.

Wow. That was depressing.

Usually when you go out to dinner with friends, you end up feeling better in the end, having had an opportunity to talk and laugh and complain and eat. Last night, though, we all left the table feeling lower than the lowest you can go. We kept trying to pull the conversation back up to some level of cheerfulness, but it seemed to repeatedly devolve--almost willfully--to a point where we were all hovering on tears. Actually, we had a moment where all four of us were indeed crying and had to just have a moment of choking silence while we pulled ourselves together. What kind of happy meal was this? Tired, drained and seriously depressed.

It's too bad that I forgot to take out the digital camera yesterday. Christmas 2004 passed without any photos, and it would have been nice to at least get some of Erika and Henry at dinner last night.

I did a whole lot of cooking yesterday (demonstrating that just because I don't cook, that doesn't mean that I can't cook). I think I managed to do 80% of the cooking in the end, but Catherine did more than 80% of the cleaning. Anyway, I did the onions, the rice salad, and the carrots, and also the finish work for the gratins. Catherine did the bulk of the gratins and the wine. We accidentally managed to cook all of Henry's favorites (although I'm not sure that's all that difficult, as he seems to be willing to eat anything). Erika made bread and a chocolate ganache w/violet syrup, and we all ate until the point of nausea. Then Catherine and I stayed up way too late and watched The Sound of Music.

We had so many Christmas presents even though we really didn't buy that much for each other. We must be cultivating good relationships with people other than ourselves. I managed to make Catherine cry three times yesterday (in the good way) while she was opening presents. Even taking into account the fact that she's menopausal, that's pretty good. My parents went *crazy* with the gift-giving, and my workshop will benefit from it. Catherine's "big" gift to me was a table-top easel. She promises me it was on sale, but I'm not sure she's telling the truth. Still, I love it, and it will be good to trade in my piece of Masonite propped up on an outdated AutoCAD book. I ended up w/some good reading material, too. Catherine got me Oliver Twist and a collection of Poe stories, and the new two-volume set The Complete Peanuts to add to the Charlie Brown section of the bookshelf. And a friend sent me a book that should keep me busy in one way or another for awhile, too.

Today, I lack the Christmas spirit because my boss made me work, and I'm trying not to have a bad attitude about it (and not succeeding). There are so many other things to worry about in the world--jesus fucking christ, that tsunami, for one!--and this job is just a temporary burden, and I need to just let it all go. If I hadn't already have resolved to give up fast food for the New Year, I'd have to make a resolution to not let my boss get to me. Maybe there's room for two resolutions in my life. Happy New Year.

Ah. It took us two hours to get our car out this morning, and that was with four of us working on the problem. We'd still be out there if it wasn't for Garry and Amanda, I'm telling you. Garry ran his Jeep up and down our driveway a few times to give us a trail, but the snow was still too deep for our little Toyota. We pretty much had to shovel out the entire driveway, garage to road. You know what? That's a long way.

After we got our car to the patch of clear space by the road (Catherine spent two hours digging out a space yesterday), we went across the street and helped the neighbors there get their car out. It went a little quicker than ours because their Nissan had a slightly higher clearance, and their driveway isn't uphill.

After that, we went to Garett and Diane's to feed their cats, and yes, to shovel their walks. I didn't do what I should have done, which was clear the sidewalk along the entire length of their property. My collar bone is killing me right now, so I'm glad I just did their stairs and a path to the road and called it a day. My sinus infection seems better, my shoulder seems a lot worse. That's about breaking even, I think. Not bad considering all the time I spent in 10 degree weather.

Because of all the snow, it took forever to run four simple errands today: 1) feed the cats; 2) go buy a couple more Christmas presents at the bookstore; 3) buy four ramekins for Christmas dinner; and 4) buy a few groceries for Christmas dinner. We tried to leave our house at 10:00, shoveled snow for two hours instead, and didn't get home until 4:30. And now we must clean.

However, I am absolved from vacuuming due to the egg-sized swell-up on my right shoulder. And I may not scrub the shower, the company won't notice.

Looking forward to opening presents tomorrow, we've got a stack of interesting things from each other, but also from friends and relatives. We've been saving them all up to make a better pile under the ficus tree (except for Catherine's parents' present, which we knew ahead of time would be perishable). We might open the ones from my parents this evening, mostly because the stack is getting embarrassingly large.

Christmas menu is set. That is to wit:

Butternut Squash and Leek Gratins
Carrot Coins w/Maple-Balsamic Browned Butter
Cold Rice Salad
Peppery Baked Onions with Sage and Gruyere
Bread (supplied by others)
Mulled Wine
Dessert (supplied by others)

If you're coming to dinner, bring your slippers because our floors are cold, cold, cold.

Okay, okay, I'm up. But don't expect me to be fulfilling any of my social obligations at this point. 1) I've got a fever; and 2) there's two feet of snow on the ground and what do you want me to do about it?

We have to go out to the store tomorrow, and I have to be fine by Saturday at six, because we're having friends over for Christmas dinner. We might be having our neighbors over, too, if they can't go home because of the weather. So today is another day of sick time, and maybe tomorrow I'll get up and talk to you all.

That head cold? Now a sinus infection. I'm off to bed w/my antibiotics and my blanket.

Well, I like working closer to home, but I've been putting in a lot of hours. I'm going to see if I can trade some of these hours for comp time instead of money. As much as I want/need the money, I'd also like to have a three day weekend for Christmas. I've worked enough hours for a four+ day weekend, but three days will do me.

Today after work, we made and decorated Christmas cookies for the neighbors next door to us and the ones across the street. On Tuesday I'll do some for my boss. Then my Christmas obligations will be over except for about five Christmas cards.

Bought a cooking magazine today to see if we could do something different for Christmas dinner. Catherine's pretty much set on making a corn pudding, but we couldn't think of anything else. The magazine helped. We've decided on Butternut Squash and Leek Gratins, Carrots w/ Maple-Basalmic butter, and baked onions, either our regular recipe or "Peppery Baked Onions w/Sage and Gruyere." Probably go w/a combination of the two. Dessert probably is a little unnecessary--at least it feels that way after bingeing on Christmas cookies this evening. Might just settle for hot chocolate w/peppermint whipped cream like last year.

We got the coolest gift from Alaska today. We used to just exchange food (Michelle makes awesome fireweed jelly), but for the past few years, we've been trying different things. This year we got some smoked salmon and a fantastic bowl made at a pottery near Michelle's parents' house. But the really cool thing was this salmon Christmas ornament made of...I don't even know what. It's hiding in our ficus right now, watching over our Christmas presents.

I remembered that I also sent an Eid card. That's pretty good, then. In the space of a couple weeks, I managed to touch on all three religions of the Book, plus paganism, agnosticism, and atheism. Happy Holidays.

Earlier this week--and I wish I was making this up, but I'm not--I did a Google search on "what to say in a Christmas card." Unfortunately, I didn't find anything to help me out (although 'Tis the Season did make me laugh). Really, if I'm going to the internet looking for help, maybe it's time to re-examine a few of my relationships.

An old photo, but I recognized her.

Well, my work situation is a bit weird right now.

How did I get my job? I actually applied to work at a different office. They weren't advertising, but Catherine finally convinced me to send an unsolicited resume, based on the fact that I liked the firm's work, and it was conveniently located (ie., in the same town in which I live). Amazingly, they called me in for an interview, and told me it would be very likely that I would be hired. I'm not sure what happened then, why I wasn't hired. A few weeks later, my current employer called me, said my resume had been forwarded to him, and would I like to come in for an interview? The timing wasn't great because of my shoulder surgery, but I finally had a job.

Fast forward to today. I'm on the verge of being laid off because things are slow. Industry slow down, or poor planning on the part of my boss? I'm not sure. I haven't had any work for about three weeks now, and for the last week, my boss has been hiring me out to the firm that didn't hire me in the first place. It's crazy--I've been picking up work in Bloomington, then driving an hour to Columbus to the office there, then bringing the finished work back to Bloomington with me to drop off here. At least it's work, and I'm guessing my boss is hiring me out at a rate that will make him a profit.

Today, though, just as I was leaving for work, the Bloomington office called me at home and said I wouldn't be going to Columbus today, they'd already talked to my boss and decided I would work in the Bloomington office. I suppose I should have been ecstatic to have escaped the commute, but instead, I felt a lot like a piece of property. It didn't occur to anyone that I had other plans, did it? And, in fact, I did, but no one asked about them. I'm also going to be in Bloomington tomorrow, but I have to drive to Columbus after work to get my paycheck. I just can't wait until Monday (and besides, I might be in Bloomington again on Monday), I have somewhere between 5-10 dollars in my bank account right now.

So, I'm a little annoyed at this, but on the other hand, it's good to be really busy instead of spending the day just trying to look busy. And it's good to be in another office to see how their standards work, and how they produce construction documents. And it's also good to hear that I'm not the incompetent my boss makes me out to be. I heard the project manager complaining today that I work too quickly, he can't keep up with me. The principal also said she'd heard that I was quick, and I think quickness counts (especially if it's partnered w/accuracty, which it is). I know they can afford to flatter because I'm not part of the design team, but it's still nice to get some positive feedback at a time when I just don't like how I'm feeling about the field.

And speaking of family....

When I'm really stressed, I shiver, and I usually end up quaking when I try to sustain a lengthy phone conversation. Phones really do it to me. Even when talking to friends, I can shudder as if standing in a freezer, and I generally end up under the blankets, as if heat can dissipate the tension in my body.

So, imagine how my poor arthritic shoulders feel after a long political discussion with my father. I never, ever NEVER talk politics with my dad. Not since the first Gulf War, when he stopped talking to me for six months because of our difference of opinion. But what do you do when someone asks you point blank, "What do you think of the war in Iraq?" It's hard to change the subject. I know, because I tried.

By the time we'd finished, I thought my skeleton was going to shake itself free of the ligaments holding it together. It's funny. We generally share the same opinion about the war, but still, I felt like he was arguing with me. At least he didn't seem too angry when he pointed out our votes will always cancel each other out in an election. That's probably not true, but I'm not about to deliberately go deeper into political waters by trying to explain that I'm not a single party or single issue voter.

Ah. I'm shivering again. Time to hang it up for the night.

Christmas tends to be an invisible holiday for us. Christmas isn't a "my family is your family" sort of occasion. No one invites non-relatives to Christmas dinner, not like they do for Thanksgiving, so we spend it alone, since there's no family near. We do mostly what we'd do on any weekend: sleep in, eat junk food, watch movies, read, with the added bonus of a few new toys with which to play. It puts us a little at odds with the rhythms of everyone else's holiday, since everyone else tends to have an intensely social, relative-heavy day. We get a bit wistful at the end of every year, first for Thanksgiving (although the family in Valparaiso substitutes nicely for our own), and then for Christmas. Wouldn't it be great to be home for Christmas?

Except, you know, it wouldn't. I'm too old to make that 12-hour drive over the mountains in the snow between Catherine's parents' and my parents' homes. I'm too fragile to spend time with my family, I haven't even recovered from our visit in August. Not at all, really, making this a record-length period of licking my wounds. It's easy to idealize when you're 2000 miles away, you can imagine all sorts of things. But if you do, and you let yourself believe them, you're only going to be disappointed if you try to make them come true.

At any rate, I just need to box up the presents for my mom and dad, and I can give into this head cold. I've mailed all the rest of the presents, and I'm about 1/2 way through the Christmas/Winter Solstice/New Year's/sorry-I-know-Hanukkah-isn't-a-major-Jewish-holiday-but-I-can't-leave-you-out-of my-holiday-thoughts cards. I'm ahead of last year, anyway.

I hope someone gives me warm socks for Christmas because I really need them.

A few months ago, a friend told me that he preferred the time when I had a regular site that I updated every now and then rather than an online journal. More specifically, he liked the page w/my reading list. If he wants to know what I'm reading now, he has to search through paragraphs of absolutely irrelevant data to find it, if it's there at all. That's the problem, really. I seldom write anything about what I'm reading, so even if he takes the time to search, he's not going to find anything.

The problem is, the way I read, it's almost impossible to set a book review out in type. I finish 5-6 books a week, on average. I usually have 8-10 going at once, one to three (or more, in the living room) in every room of the house, and a couple in the car. If I finish a book at lunch, and think, "Oh, I should write a review about this," by the time I get to the computer at night, I've already started a new book and read chunks of one or two others, so I can't possibly remember what I wanted to say at lunch time.

The way I read keeps me from drawing firm conclusions about the material. For instance, right now I'm reading three different Alice Munro books. How can I possibly separate one from the other when I'm reading, especially since they're so thick w/regionalism? It can't be done, not by me. And usually what I think about a book is largely dependent on its relationship to another book I've recently read. I finished _Old School_ by Tobias Wolff last week, and my impression of it was certainly colored by the fact that I'd recently read _The Fountainhead_. If I'd just last week re-read _Old Man and the Sea_, I would have focused more intently on the third part of the book (and perhaps if I'd recently re-read _Old Man and the Sea_, I'd understand the odd structure of the book, the "Master" chapter tacked on the end). A couple of weeks ago, I simultaneously read three books about earthquakes, and without a doubt, two of the three suffered in comparison with the one I started first because it was the most technical, presented in a very linear fashion that allowed me to flip forward and backward to easily cross-check information. So, it's difficult for me to evaluate any one book as a work of writing in and of itself, my judgement is too actively and too often clouded by everything else I'm reading.

I've lately been thinking that I need to do something else besides read. I can't empty my mind of what I've been reading quickly enough to get to sleep on time. I'm late everywhere I go, because I always try to get in a few more sentences. Right now I'm listening to a book on tape in the car during my commute, but reading the same book at lunch to hurry the process along so I can move on to something else. It's starting to feel like obsessive behavior, and that's not good. So maybe I should declare a moratorium on reading for a bit, and see what else I can do to keep myself busy during my lunch hour.

Why I hate my job.

I hate my job because I'm so ashamed of the way I'm being treated that I can't even bring myself to write about it for fear someone will read it and think less of me for allowing myself to be treated this way.

That's why I hate my job.

The news today reminds me that I saw a building catch on fire this weekend. Or, more notably, I *didn't* see a building catch on fire this weekend, even though I was standing right next to it. Looking back, I suppose I did smell smoke, but apparently that's not enough to trigger any fight-or-flight instinct I might have. I eventually recognized the air was growing more smoky, but it wasn't until the fire engine roared up that I realized, hey, I can't breathe anymore. By that time, there were flames shooting out the windows, black smoke billowing into the street, fire hoses spraying. God knows what would have happened if I'd been inside the building rather than just standing across the street from it. Maybe I would have recognized the danger signs just a bit more quickly. Maybe not.

Spent mostly a solitary weekend in Manhattan. Catherine's workshop was a success, but that's her story, so I'll let her tell it if she wants to do so. My story is much more straight-forward and involves a lot of silence, since I spent the weekend walking around by myself.

Arrived in midtown Manhattan really late Wednesday night, so late that it was actually Thursday morning. I'm not all about midtown, in case anyone's wondering, because midtown is all about money and shopping. Even if I had money, I wouldn't waste it shopping. But Catherine's class started out at NYU on 42nd, so that's where we were for the weekend, and since there was nowhere I really needed to be, that's as good as place as any from which to start.

Thursday was ours, so we went up to American Museum of Natural History for the day. Catherine made an appointment with one of the entomologists so we could spend some time "behind the scenes" with Alfred Kinsey's gall wasp collection. The collection is kind of amazing simply because it is so extensive, but it's a little difficult to appreciate gall wasp variation w/out a microscope. Still, the curator told us quite a bit about them, and then took us over to look at his specialty, the bees. We learned a lot we didn't know about social, solitary and parasitic bees, and looked at some really neat bees from central and south america.

We spent the rest of the day at the museum. I think the museum is overpriced in a way. You think--well, the collections are huge, it's worth the money, but they really only give you about seven hours of viewing time (if you take 45 minutes at some point in the day to eat and use the bathroom). If it had longer opening hours, I would have been more satisfied. Actually, I guess $13 isn't bad, but if you want to go to the planetarium, that's another $9. Or if you want to see any of the visiting exhibitions, like the frogs, that's an additional $6. Anyway, if I lived in New York, I guess I'd have a season pass and then it would be very economical, but as a tourist, I'm not sure if it was worth it or not, since we only saw about 1/6 of what was there.

Catherine had an evening meeting at the Museum of Sex, anyway, so I guess we couldn't have stayed at the museum even if it had been open until 9 p.m. Then we had dinner at the Japanese restaurant next door to our hotel, which I would recommend if I could remember the name of it. Also, I ate an Eli Zabar solar system (even though it was promoted as a galaxy).

Friday and Saturday I was on my own while Catherine was doing her exhibition design stuff. I started at the New York Public Library, at which I spent about an hour at the Newton exhibit. I almost bought the catalog, but I think I'd rather just buy a good book on Newton. I think you'd probably have to visit three or four times to really "get" the exhibit, but then again, I think it was aimed at people who didn't know much about Newton, so maybe not.

I spent most of the day after that just walking. I walked up the east side of the park, and back part way. Then I just spent a lot of time in midtown Manhattan waiting for Catherine to get back from class. I was really worn out, and I thought I was just out of shape, but I ran it through mapquest this morning and my north-south movement alone covered 9 miles. Obviously, my east-west movement wasn't as extensive, but I think I walked about a half-marathon with a pack full of books on my back, so that's okay.

I should have stopped walking on Friday and gone to the Cooper Hewitt or the Whitney, especially as I found out on Sunday there was a Noguchi show at the Whitney, but I didn't. We thought we might go to MoMA Friday night, but it was free night, so there were thousands of people waiting to get inside. My relationship--intellectual, emotional and otherwise--with MoMA is a bit complex, and I guess I'm not sorry I didn't have the chance to darken their doorway this weekend. I'm all about Modern art and all, but not all about MoMA.

More Japanese food for dinner on Friday.

Saturday I walked up to Central Park (because I obviously didn't walk far enough on Friday) and skated for a couple of hours. It was a pretty decent agility test, like being caught on a huge, moving obstacle course. Lots and lots of children. I probably should have gone to Lasker. One of the skate guards was pretty good looking, though, so that made it worth my time. I thought about asking her where she came by her skate cred, but it would have just been flirting and she was getting enough action from the other skate guards.

Spent most of the afternoon walking and reading at the Coliseum Books cafe. Picked up some spices for Garry and Amanda. Sat in the hotel and read and watched Love Don't Cost a Thing, which I just saw a few weeks ago w/white people, only it was called Can't Buy Me Love. Why would anyone remake such a movie? It boggles. It didn't keep me from reading my book, I can say that.

We ate an early dinner at Porta Rossa, very decent Italian food right around the corner from our hotel. When we got back to the hotel, Catherine watched Love Don't Cost a Thing, which, again, did not take me away from my book.

Mostly I slept on Sunday. We talked about getting up and going to the UN, but decided to just have a leisurely morning instead. A smooth afternoon flight, I didn't lose my car keys despite my stupidity, and the cats were fine when we got home.

To summarize:

I didn't shop.

I didn't see any shows.

I didn't spend much money.

The corollary to that, of course, is: I didn't go to MoMA.

I didn't talk to any strangers.

I did make snap judgements about people around me based on their cell phone and face-to-face conversations.

I did find a place for dogpoet to get another blue cup.

I did avoid every Falun Gong member that tried to approach me.

I did admire the sharp lines of the Salvation Army women.

I didn't do enough to really warrant a journal entry.

And tomorrow we're off to New York, because of course I can afford to take two days of LWOP during two consecutive weeks. The question now is: do I save a few dollars while I'm there by skating at Lasker Rink instead of Wollman Rink? Safety v. four dollars....hm...tough call.

I just realized that I missed my three-year anniversary of being off Coke (the drink, not the powder).

Things I'm at:

1. We may have attended a WNBA game in early September, I can't remember. If not, I haven't watched any basketball--live, televised or otherwise--since July. This weekend we saw three games, and that was probably three games too many. Two women's games, one men's game, and all were so incredibly dull I'm thinking of skipping the rest of the season. Except Catherine probably won't let me.

2. So, the roadkill situation in Yellowstone is getting out of hand. One roadkill death a year is too much, in my book, but damn, I wish I was living somewhere with such low numbers. I saw 5 dead deer today. I usually see "only" one or two new dead deer a day, occasionally as many as three. I'm guessing the dead deer truck didn't go out on Friday, so those five probably add up to the average one a day over the weekend. I've seen more dead animals in the last six months than most people see in their entire lives, and some. Take as many dead animals as you can imagine, and double or treble it. Maybe do it again. That's how many I see. No kidding.

3. Work is disappointing. It's typical, though. I've been talking to some other intern architects, and they are experiencing the same thing. Paying your dues architect-style is one big, boring waste of time. I should be glad I haven't been laid off, though. I haven't the faintest idea what we're going to be doing with ourselves for the next couple of months. My boss turned down so many projects in the fall that we're now without. Just in time for Christmas.

4. If I was judging a university by its online application system, I'd have a very short list of potential graduate schools right now. One system is so bad, I'm thinking of sitting down and filling out the paper application instead, even though that would mean writing out the information for the six institutions previously attended plus four more pages of garbage someone probably already has in a database somewhere.

5. Nothing says winter in Columbus like the smell of raw sewage.

So far, a fairly successful Thanksgiving weekend. We thought we'd have to stay home because of the weather arriving late Wednesday, but by the time we dragged ourselves out to the interstate on Thursday, everything was clear and dry. Still quite a bit of snow and ice on the ground up north, but nothing to get in our way.

Dinner with the family at Valpo on Thanksgiving. We finally figured out what kind of food to contribute to the day, and that cut down on the stress factor a lot. Small group this year, only ten adults plus Ray, so everything was a bit calmer because of that, too. Maybe a little less alcohol imbibed because there were fewer people mixing drinks. It was good to see Beth and Mike again, especially. It's terrible that we only live three hours apart and we still only see each other on Thanksgiving. We promised to come up to go to a Komets game and go tobogganing at Pokagon State Park, but we tend to break our promises all too often, so we'll see.

The Raymonster was feeling sick w/an ear infection, but was still cute and personable. He has an incredibly long attention span for a two-year old. At least, he was riveted to the Spiderman movie, even enduring the commercials.

Suddenly all our friends have children, and the friends that don't have children are talking about having them. We thought we'd escaped the child-bearing phase, since everyone I know is pushing forty or even over forty, but I guess that's not the cut off year anymore. Toddlers are cute and all, but never in a million years would I take on responsibility for one. I can't quite see what the attraction is, but since everyone keeps reproducing, there must be some hidden rewards. Other than coming down w/the flu because your kid puked all over you, or having to change diapers full of green gunk from the electrolyte-replacing juice your kid has been drinking. Those rewards are obvious, of course.

Drove home Friday morning after watching Finding Nemo w/Ray. Sorry to leave the snow behind, but then again, coming south also means leaving the long pants behind. Got home in time to check the mail, feed the cats, and run back out again to go to the holiday lighting ceremony on the town square. Catherine also managed to buy my mom's Christmas present while we were out, and we bought some Mexican vanilla at the chocolate shop because I've been meaning to get some for months. I actually wanted the Bourbon vanilla, but since it cost even more than Mexican vanilla and they're both derived from Vanilla planifolia, I decided to go w/the less expensive bottle. I'm sure the planter will appreciate the half-a-cent he's likely to make off the sale.

Anyway, the lighting ceremony was nice. We thought about staying out and going to hear Bobby play at Kilroy's, but the set wasn't scheduled to start until 10:30, and that's an hour and a half past my bedtime. This morning Catherine is off doing some thing at a scrapbook store, and I'm on my way to drum w/Bobby. Basketball game tonight and tomorrow. Then back to work for three days, then off to Manhattan for four. And then it will practically be Christmas so no one will expect me to be at all productive, which is how I like it.

Having my say will probably result in the loss of every single one of my left-leaning friends, but you know....that's okay. I'd rather be honest and alone than deceitful and surrounded by people who haven't a clue of what's going on in my head.

Yes, I voted for Kerry, and if I'm angry at anyone right now, I'm angry at myself. I cast my ballot for a candidate I didn't respect. I didn't believe in him before I voted, and the fact that I voted for him anyway means I'm a huge part of what's wrong with the world.

To everyone else who voted for Kerry: quit trying to make me vilify my friends and family who voted for Bush. On a day-to-day basis, every person with whom I interact, with the exception of Catherine and my boss, undoubtedly voted for Bush. And you know what? They're not stupid. They're not evil. They're not even remotely bad. Our value systems are sometimes vastly different, sometimes almost identical, and while I'd like to think I'm the one who knows what's best, I can't be sure that's true. Really, my political affiliation/position at the moment can best be summed up with "I DON'T KNOW." I don't know what's right or what's wrong, and I think other people should be honest and admit they don't know either.

Par exemple: the weekend after the election, a man who voted for Bush explained his thought process to me. He listed about a dozen reasons why he didn't want to vote for Bush (he didn't vote for Bush last time), and said he had a hard time with his final decision. But what mattered most to him, his number one concern, was that we stay in Iraq, and not leave too soon. He voted for the candidate he thought would "stay the course." My initial reaction was, of course, "We need to get the hell out of Iraq!" But do we? I don't know. I feel certain that we shouldn't have invaded in the first place, but now what? If we leave now, will it get better or worse? Do Iraqis want us to leave, and even if they do, will that lead to the best result--whatever that is--ten years from now? I have no idea what any Iraqi wants. Like everyone else, I get my news 3rd, 4th or 5th hand from various sources. I've never been to Iraq, I know no Iraqis, and even if I really knew what they wanted, I don't know if I would be able to tell if that was the right thing to do. So...this guy thinks we should stay. I don't know if he's right or wrong, but he did vote for the right guy if that's his number one priority. There's no flaw in his logic--Kerry wants to leave Iraq, Bush wants to stay. Yeah, I wish his number one priority was my health insurance, but that's just me, and who am I to say what's most important in the world?

Anyway, my message to the left who keep sending me e-mail telling me what to think is this: stop looking at the &*$#@! electoral map and judging people you've never met. Don't you realize that red and blue have been imposed on those people, you're looking at a multiplicity of views through the eyes of a two party system? You can't tell anything about anybody by a single vote between two candidates. Look at the electoral votes from past elections, and imagine what they'd be like if the voters had to choose between only two candidates. Millions of people can't be represented by only two parties, and I wish we could all get together and do something about that.

I agree, there seems to be a huge lack of critical thinking in the United States, but I have to say, it applies as much to the left as it does to the right--and to everyone in between and on the fringes. "Critical thinking" is really an interesting concept, isn't it? For years--decades--the academy has been trying to get people to examine and undermine binary oppositions. Rational/irrational, male/female, good/bad, nature/culture...identify and subvert, if you please. Listen to the academy since the election, however, and there is only good and bad, right and wrong, red and blue. The left is screaming that the people who voted for Bush aren't rational, their thought processes are deficient. Irrational thought is only good if you're the one acting on emotions and instinct apparently. What happened to inhabiting the gray areas?

I don't know...Democrats seem absolutely shocked by their defeat, and I just suddenly realized how much hope they place in government. It's almost as if they were hoping for some sort of social Reaganomics: trickle down liberalism. But I don't think any president will make much of a positive difference. Listen--the juggernaut of Coca-Cola culture left our shores a long time ago. No one president is ever going to change that. Kerry wasn't going to get rid of Walmart, was he? He wasn't suddenly going to fight American capitalism, was he? It wasn't like Osama bin Laden stopped plotting because Clinton was in office. There's something much more wrong with our culture than simply a corrupt administration, really there is. Bush might (will) make things worse, but Kerry wasn't a savior. I'm afraid we as individuals have been cast in that role. We can't make politicians do it for us.

Yes, I think the we'd be better off if Kerry had been elected, if for no other reason than we might be able to find a few more allies in the world (not that I think any other country would be stupid enough to join us on our suicide missions in Iraq). But substantively, I'm not sure how much would have changed, especially w/a Republican congress. We can hope that a Supreme Court justice would die while he was in office, but four years really isn't much of a window of opportunity when it comes to death on the bench.

And even if Kerry had won, wouldn't we still be a divided nation? Not as severely divided as the electoral maps would have us believe--not even close--but divided none the less. We've been divided since the moment we declared independence from Britain and promptly went out and started shooting our neighbors in the name of freedom. We were divided before we became a union, and the moment the union was formalized in 1789 (Washington: 69 electoral votes; Adams: 34 electoral votes; scattering: 35 electoral votes; 8 votes not cast--don't you think Adams' supporters were angry?), we started the grand devolution to Civil War. Reconstruction was a disaster. Follow through to the class and labor wars of the early 20th c. Maybe we were a bit more unified during WWII, but there were so many Roosevelt haters, it's hard to say. Culture war? Try the Rosenberg scandal, try the Red Scare. Vietnam was just the icing on the cake. We are not a country characterized by life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, we are a country based on revolution, disagreement and strife. So please stop lamenting the loss of our founding fathers' values, because quite frankly? They sucked.

So, all this is to say, I now belong to the "I don't know" party, and I'm going to stay there for a good long while. I don't know more than my neighbor, I really don't, and I'm not going to vilify him or her for seeing the world differently than I do. It seems counterproductive and counterintuitive, and I'm not going to do it, no matter how much I hate individual politicians.

Just say "I don't know."

This morning as I was rushing out the door to work, I saw my reflection in the window of the back door, and said, "Damn! I forgot to comb my hair again!" It was sticking up everywhere, and once it has dried that way, there's not much I can do about it except take another shower to calm it down. Catherine asked me when the last time I combed my hair was, and to be honest, I can't recall doing it since it Saturday. I don't have the kind of hair that can be left alone for a week, so that's a sad, sad commentary on my life.

Let's Play Houses

Street Protest Architecture in Australia

In the Cause

In a Post-Colonial World...

The Passageways of Paris

We're exhausted--Catherine probably more so than I--but last night's premiere of Kinsey was a success. Well, there was a bit of a fiasco with the ticketing, but I think that's forgivable. It's not like the Kinsey Institute is usually in the business of arranging movie premieres. At any rate, everything else seemed to work out very nicely. Somehow I ended up with a ticket to the V.I.P. reception, but I stayed at the regular reception (good food) with our friend Erika while Catherine spent time with the Important People. Laura Linney actually took the time to fly back to Indiana from Vancouver, just so she could attend the reception and make some opening remarks before the film. That was very generous of her--no way I'd fly across the country for a two-hour appearance. Bill Condon was there, as was the producer, Gail Mutrux.

Overall, I'm gratified that all the work Catherine and the rest of the collections staff put into supporting the movie was recognized. Bill Condon actually mentioned Catherine and Liana by name and thanked them in his public remarks before the opening, and I know that meant a lot to them and the rest of the collections staff. Catherine really enjoyed working with all the people from the movie, they were all very nice and real. Some people from the major media outlets can be a bit....hm....*imperious*...but that wasn't the case with this project. They seemed genuinely interested in the Kinsey Institute, and very concerned that the movie they were making wouldn't harm the Institute in any way.

In terms of Catherine's job, perhaps the most important speech of the evening was delivered by the Chancellor, Kenneth Gros Louis. He very firmly indicated that he--and thus the University?--supported the past, current, and future work of the Kinsey Institute. It is an absolute rarity for the Institute to get such open and public support from the University, and I hope IU sticks behind the Chancellor's remarks once the anti-Kinsey protests get into full swing.

I liked the movie. It was a lot funnier than I thought it would be. Or, at least it was funny to people in Bloomington, but it could have been because we were all reading between the lines. The first time Catherine saw the movie, she didn't like it so much, but I thought it was just because she was too close to the subject. The people at the Kinsey are very protective of Alfred Kinsey and his reputation, he's like their father. They are also understandably worried about the public response and what it means to their future, so they can't really watch the movie as just a movie. She also thought they left a lot of stuff out, so it felt as if it was full of holes, but I think the regular audience won't see it that way. You only know there's a hole if you're intimately familiar w/Kinsey's life, and most people just aren't. Seeing the movie again last night, Catherine decided I was right. She was so anxious the first time she watched it that she couldn't really focus on it as a movie. She really liked it last night.

Anyway, aside from one awkward scene near the beginning, I liked it. I think people in Bloomington were dismayed that the movie gave the impression that Herman B Wells wasn't going to stand and fight for Kinsey, and that was absolutely untrue, but again, that's not something people outside IU are going to care about. The ending was much different than I thought it would be, so optimistic. I always think of Kinsey as sort of a tragic figure, dying before he finds out that they win the court case and his work can still continue. But the movie emphasizes his will to finish his work, rather than all the obstacles still in his way, and that's nice. And I love Lynn Redgrave, and I loved her role at the end. If she had been upstairs at the V.I.P. reception, I would have dumped Erika in a heartbeat and spent my evening following her around.

I'm surprised the movie was rated R instead of NC-17. I would have thought that the lantern slide scene alone might have pushed it over the edge w/the ratings people. It really is unusual to sit through a movie that doesn't just have sexual content, but is unrelentlessly *about* sexual content. It renewed my weariness with the topic of sex, actually. I think it's only an interesting topic if you don't have to deal with it all time. When people hear what Catherine does for a living, their eyes light up and they just start chatting about all kinds of things. It is rather assumed because we live together that of course I'm interested in hearing these things, too. You know what? I'm not. There was a scene in the movie where one of the young wives finds herself in the middle of a conversation about everyone's sex habits, and as she's standing there, shifting around uncomfortably, I found myself thinking, "I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!"

Anyway, we're tired. We had a choice of two after parties, and we decided to go to the one at the home of Wendy Corning (Kinsey's granddaughter). An apology to the people who own the first house off the road to Wendy's house: I'm sorry I ended up outside your front door at 11:00 at night, and I'm even sorrier I had my headlights on full beam). It was very nice, with more good food, but by half-past midnight, I was almost falling over with exhaustion. We were out late at another Kinsey event on Friday, and we ran in a 5k race yesterday morning before getting all dressed up to go to the premiere, so we were both really running on empty by that point.

In the end, there was something really rewarding about the evening, listening to people talk about how important Kinsey was, how important the Institute is, how important the work there is. To us, the Institute is rather pedestrian. It's just where Catherine goes to work every day (seven days a week, lately). To me, it's just the building next to the parking lot where I drop her off and pick her up, and really, her job is usually just a point of disagreement with us. For the past two years, at least, I've been nagging her to find a new job, one that doesn't require so many hours for so little pay. But there was a moment there last night when everyone just felt like we were touching greatness, that Kinsey had started something more important than we could understand, that it was essential that someone keep up the good work. I think for Catherine, especially, it was good to hear that what she does is helping someone, somewhere. Well, I'm still looking forward to her next job, but in the meantime, this has been a great reward for her and I'm glad she got to experience it.

Well, I've got a dress, shoes, and a date, so I guess I'm ready for tomorrow's big event.

I swear (I hope) this is the last job I will have that doesn't offer sick leave.

Join staff and Friends of The Kinsey Institute for a benefit reception and presentation of Fox Searchlight Pictures' film:

Kinsey

with special guests Laura Linney and writer/director Bill Condon

Saturday, November 13, 2004
6:30pm to 10:30pm
Indiana University Auditorium,
Bloomington, Indiana

Schedule of Events
6:30 pm-7:30 pm
Benefit Reception

7:30 pm-8:00 pm
Welcome address by Chancellor Kenneth Gros Louis and opening remarks

8:00 pm-10:00 pm
Film screening

10:00 pm
Bill Condon and Julia Heiman answer questions about the film

Tickets are $50 for the Benefit reception and screening.
Order tickets from Heidi Frankson at The Kinsey Institute,
812-855-1557 or email hfrankso@indiana.edu
Contact Heidi for VIP tickets, as well.

Purchase student/general admission tickets ($20) for the screening through IU Auditorium Box Office, 812-855-1103. (doors open at 7:20 for these upper level seats).

Submit a question for the after-film interview with Bill Condon and Kinsey Institute Director Julia Heiman.

The Kinsey Institute would like to thank the Ford Foundation and
Fox Searchlight Pictures and these sponsors:

The College of Arts and Sciences, Indiana University
Office of the Vice President for Research, Indiana University
The IU Alumni Association
WFIU and WTIU
One World Enterprises
Lennie's
Bloomingfoods Cooperative Grocery
Bloomingfoods Encore Cafe
Acorn Distributors
Bloomington Bagel Company
Bloomington Brewing Company
Crystal Pure
Limestone Grille
Progress Linen
Restaurant Tallent
Runcible Spoon
Sushi Express
Trojan Horse

To: Dr. C.A. Horton,
Head of Analytical Chemistry Division,
Oak Ridge National Laboratory
Tennessee, USA

Forward to:
384 East Dr.
Oak Ridge

From: Dr. S.C. Pande,
Chemist,
Ore Dressing Division,
Indian Bureau of Mines,
NAGPUR. (Maharashtra)
INDIA

Dt. 19thJune, 1976

Dear Dr.

I have gone through two of your very good reviews on the trends in the determination of Fluorine and through your original papers on fluorine determination.

I am also engaged in the determination of fluorine in Fluorspar samples and its beneficiation products done in our laboratory.

I have to confine myself to the Willard-Winter techniques of defluorination and determination by using Thorium nitrate as titrant and Alizarin red-S as an indicator at pH 3.1. I cannot take up the Spectrophotometric methods becaue of the high percentage of CaF2 required to be analysed in the concentrates.

I am in constant touch with Prof. T.S. West (Imp. College of Science & Technology, London); rather I had visited him once in theyear 1974 and he had suggested me the indicator.

Of course, I am fully aware of the neutron activation and ion-selective electrode techniques (rather I used them in Czechloslovakia - UNESCO training programme), in the year 1973-74 with Dr. Weiss) but because of the lack of facilities here in India it cannot be introduced in my laboratory.

I am compiling the work on fluorine determination and without your cooperation it would always remain as an incomplete task. Would you be kind enough to make me abreast with recent developments in the determination of fluorine in all the products (particularly from your laboratory). I shall always remain grateful to you for this help.

I am looking forward for the reprints of your work & suggestions in making this compilation complete and uptodate.

Soliciting your kind cooperation at your earliest as the manuscript is to be ready by August end or September 1976.

With Love,

Sincerely yours,

(Dr.S.C.PANDE)

And a shout out to Frances in Toledo. I hope your day at the polls turns out to be unnecessary, incredibly dull and boring, and a complete waste of your time. Somehow I doubt it's going to turn out that way, though.

I was right--no hockey. The UVa women's team played Friday night @ 10:00, the VMI team played Saturday night @ 10:00, both games too late at night for me to be interested.

Still, I got done what I wanted to get done--more or less--and spent the rest of the time visiting friends, used bookstores, and unfamiliar restaurants.

Going out of town, again. I probably won't get to see a hockey game while I'm gone this time, though.

I think I'm the better for having taken a few days away. I used to travel so much more, especially when I was playing hockey, and I'd forgotten how useful it is to just leave everything behind for a bit. I'm going away again on Thursday for four days, and I think that, too, will be nice.

One thing I realized this weekend is how much my confidence is being eroded and undermined by my current job. I was completely blown away on Friday when the people with whom I interviewed took me absolutely seriously. I'm so used to being talked to as if I was a pre-schooler that being addressed as a presumably intelligent adult knocked me back on my heels in surprise. I talked to six different people on Friday, and I never felt as if they were merely indulging me, but that they actually wanted to hear what I had to say. That hasn't happened in awhile and as I thinking about it afterward, I decided it should happen a lot more often. Really, it should.

Where I was Friday at 2 p.m.:

http://www.news.uiuc.edu/news/04/1006humanities.html

Maybe I'll say more later, but my opinion can really be summed up in a short sentence: I was convinced NOT AT ALL that Stanley Fish had any sort of remedy for the (alleged) crisis of the Humanities.

In the interest of spending even more time alone, and possibly rendering myself completely mute, I'm going out of town this weekend. Leaving Thursday, coming back...well, we'll see. By the end of the weekend, I'm sure. Certainly in time to go out of town again next weekend.

Silence is habit-forming, isn't it? If your daily routine requires--or at least results in--isolation, and in addition you spend the majority of your free time alone, you lose not just the opportunity, but also the desire to share your thoughts with other people. All communication is inwardly focused, and the external world ceases to exist after awhile. It's a subtle but possibly irreversible slide into reclusivity.

I used to think that becoming a hermit would take work, or that at least I would feel some level of sacrifice, giving up social interaction and stimulation. But it's the exact opposite: becoming and staying alone is easy. The effort comes in remaining connected to the people I (used to) know. It's so simple to postpone speaking, hoarding my thoughts and forgetting--refusing--to share them later. It's easy to be lulled into a state of complacency, reading my own mind and keeping my own counsel. Participating in public discourse takes on the form of self-betrayal, and in the end, it's more rewarding to pull away entirely, and refuse to answer when people stand at the mouth of your cave and demand that you come out and play.

What I'm trying to remember is that eventually I'll feel better. At some point the pendulum will swing itself out of this trough and I'll hit some high days, days when I won't have to carry this exhaustion with me everywhere I go. How can a person spend twelve and a half hours in bed and still wake up tired and spent? I wish I knew.

Lately, I've been thinking about how nice it would have been to actually realize the future my parents envisioned for me when I was young. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, I managed to stray so far from their chosen path that I'm not sure they're able to recognize me now, what with the haze and distortion of the long distances between us.

When I was a child, it was pretty much assumed that I would attend a Christian college. In junior high, it looked certain that I would be going to Western Baptist in Salem. But when I was really young, the plan was always to have me go off to Oral Roberts University and become a gospel singer. My mom eventually changed her mind on that (thanks, Patti Roberts), but still, it probably puzzled everyone when I chose Western Washington over Western Baptist. I even gave up on music in the end, possible a bigger surprise than giving up on Christianity.

I don't think it's really the "in" thing for atheists to do, but if someone called me up tomorrow and offered me a job as a gospel singer, I'd probably take the gig.

I guess the best that can be said for the situation is that my boss didn't fire me, and I didn't quit. That probably means that we both exercised at least a bit of restraint, although I'd argue that I exercised a lot more. A *lot* more.

Well, Catherine kicked my ass again in today's 5k. I kept telling myself I would catch up with her, even if it meant puking afterward. I didn't catch her up--she beat me by 5-8 seconds--but I did throw up in the end. Unfortunately, I wasn't the first person to use that particular trash barrel to vomit, and that discovery made me upchuck a second time. And yet still, we went out to lunch with our neighbor afterward and planned our next race schedule.

This morning I had a few applying-to-graduate-school errands to accomplish, so I took a few hours off from work. I think my quality of life improved from being able to get an extra hour of sleep, even if I have to skip lunch a couple of times to make the hours up.

If anyone wants me, I'll be down by the river, sitting under an osage orange tree and reading a book.